78% of parents saying not listening is driving them batshit crazy!
Parents generally think that they have a listening issue for one of 3 reasons. First, children won’t do what they’re asked immediately. The second is that the child will acknowledge the request by immediately doing the opposite of what they were told to do. Or the third reason is that their child screams, “No,” or “I don’t want to!” So here’s the thing, most parents think that they have a listening problem but that is not actually the issue. This is not a listening problem. If your child is reacting this way, they aren’t listening, but that’s just a symptom.
Listening is multiple executive functioning skills working together simultaneously. We just finished a video series in the Parenting Posse that explains why you can’t listen effectively if any of those skills are weak. The basic idea is, you cannot access and use your executive functioning skills if you’re not calm. And calm doesn’t mean quiet. A person can be quiet and stressed as fuck, like deer in the headlights. And If you’re passed stressed, you’re in fight, flight, freeze, and fib mode.
Our executive functioning skills exist in our neocortex, that top layer of your brain, you can read more about executive functioning here. That is where language, reason, analysis, and learning takes place, none of which is not necessary for survival. When we’re born, because we have to squeeze our very big heads out of a very small hole. But what’s going on inside the grey matter up on the top that will become their blue brain, their neocortex, needs to be able to squish without getting damaged. So when we are born, it’s physically there, but it’s not working yet.
Our limbic system comes out of the womb ready and raring to go. Our limbic systems contain our amygdala, our hippocampus, and a bunch of other little sections. It’s mainly responsible for scanning our environment, checking for danger, and processing memories and emotions. It has thought but no reason. It upregulating us when there’s danger present and downregulating us when we’re safe.
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Since our limbic system is necessary for survival and our neocortex is not, if your child is feeling unsafe, uncertain, or emotional, all of our physical resources, all of our energy goes to our limbic system. They’ll very actively and very emotionally protest which is a red flag that they are stuck in their limbic system. No amount of reason is going through. The energy that they have is being pumped into their limbic system, which has no reason, remember? It’s not rational, so they aren’t going to act rationally.
At this stage, are going to ignore what you asked them to do and keep doing what feels good or that they are emotionally engaged in. They are going to look you dead in the face and then do something other than what you told them to do because what you told them to do is being processed as a danger, or as not safe, as an attack. Because your child’s brain is preoccupied with its emotions and its intuition and sensing and feeling and making sure that there’s no danger. Which means that not listening is actually stress behaviour.
We can actively teach them how to recognise when they are being irrational, and we can teach them strategies to bring that blue brain back online. And that, my friends, is what I teach you in ParentAbility. We have way more in-depth information on these concepts, self-regulation concepts, and then once you have that down, we teach you exactly how to work and build up your child’s executive functioning skills.