Why your child isn’t “being bad” — and what to do instead
You know that moment when you’ve said “Hands to yourself” for the third time this morning, and your child still smacks their sibling with a LEGO spaceship?
Or when you’ve reminded them — calmly, firmly, kindly — to use their inside voice, and they’re still shrieking like a banshee in the grocery store?
You’re not alone. I hear this from parents all the time:
“He knows better.”
“We’ve been over this a hundred times.”
“She can tell me the rule, but it’s like it flies out of her head in the moment.”
And you know what? You’re not wrong.
They do know the rule.
They can repeat it back.
And yep, they’re still doing the thing anyways.
So what gives?
Here’s what I need you to know:
Knowing the rule isn’t the same as having the skills — or the regulation — to follow it.
Why Rules Alone Don’t Cut It
Rules are important. They create structure. They teach safety. They set boundaries.
But rules without regulation?
They’re like a map with no gas in the tank.
You can tell your child “keep your hands to yourself” until you’re blue in the face — but if their body is craving sensory input, if their tank is empty, if their nervous system is in survival mode? That rule isn’t going to matter.
They’re not disobeying.
They’re dysregulated.
And in that state, their behaviour isn’t a choice. It’s a signal.
Enter: Sensory Input
This came up a lot during this week’s PEERS for Preschoolers call. We talked about how kids who are constantly in other people’s space, who seem to get a kick out of touching, pushing, or roughhousing — often aren’t “being aggressive.”
They’re seeking sensory input that helps their nervous system feel grounded and safe.
One parent shared how her son keeps getting in other kids’ faces, even though he knows he’s supposed to give them space.
Another said her child is obsessed with “tag running” and wants to wrestle constantly.
Another noticed her child gets touchy and impulsive right before they totally lose it.
Spoiler: this isn’t a coincidence.
It’s sensory.
It’s regulation.
It’s a need.
And if we don’t help them meet the need, they’ll keep trying — usually in ways that drive everyone else up the wall.
“But He Knows It’s Wrong…”
Let’s unpack that.
Yes, he knows it’s not okay to hit.
Yes, she knows you don’t like the yelling.
Yes, they know the boundary.
But here’s the key: they’re not doing it to you — they’re doing it for themselves.
Just like you might grab a snack when your blood sugar drops or scroll your phone when you need to decompress, your child is using the tools available to get what their body is screaming for.
It’s not malicious. It’s not manipulative.
It’s survival.
And if we can shift our lens from “How do I make them stop?” to “What are they trying to tell me?” — that’s when everything changes.
Regulation Before Reasoning
One of the best analogies that came out of our group call was this:
👉🏼 Regulation is the gas. Rules are the GPS. 👈🏼
And you need both if you want to get where you’re going.
That’s why we talked a lot about co-regulation — intentionally helping your child regulate with you before their behaviour spirals out of control.
For example:
- Tossing a ball back and forth before a playdate
- Wrestling on the bed before dinner
- Playing a movement-based game like tag or “chicken” (yep, that game where you try to push each other off a line — it’s gold)
- Keeping beanbags in your bag for impromptu wall-throwing sessions when you’re out and about
These are proactive strategies — not rewards, not distractions — that meet your child’s needs on purpose, so they’re not trying to meet them in the middle of your living room with their sibling’s face.
“But He’s Just Testing Me…”
Another big “a-ha” moment came from a metaphor I shared:
The Pool vs. The Ocean.
When a child is used to chaos — no clear boundaries, no consistency — it’s like they’re swimming in the ocean. They don’t know where the edges are. It’s vast, unpredictable, and scary.
So when you finally set a boundary — say, “We don’t sit on people” — they touch it.
Then they swim away from it and try again.
Then they poke at it, push it, test it.
They’re not being defiant.
They’re trying to figure out:
“Is this really the edge of the pool? Or am I still in the ocean?”
If you’re consistent — if every time they hit that edge, they get the same response — they start to feel safe.
And that’s when they stop testing.
But if sometimes it’s a consequence and other times it’s a laugh and sometimes it’s a sigh… they don’t find the edge.
And they keep swimming.
The Hidden Feedback Loop
Something else we explored — and this hit hard for a lot of parents — was the feedback loop between adult dysregulation and child dysregulation.
When your child starts getting loud, touchy, or chaotic, your brain goes: Danger!
And it’s not wrong — your nervous system is picking up on a real threat to your peace, your energy, your ability to think clearly.
So you start to get dysregulated too.
And guess what your child’s nervous system is tuned to?
Yours.
So now they pick up on your stress, and their nervous system goes: “Oh no, Mom’s not okay — I’m not safe!”
And everything escalates.
It’s not your fault. It’s biology.
But it’s a great reminder that our job isn’t to stay calm because it looks nice — it’s to break the feedback loop.
Even if that means stepping away, turning your body, grabbing a beanbag, or blasting music in the front seat while they melt down in the back.
Your regulation is their anchor.
So… What Do I Do?
Here’s where to start:
- Observe the pattern. What tends to happen right before the yelling, grabbing, or hitting?
- Label the need. Is it sensory input? Sensory overwhelm? Dysregulation?
- Meet the need on purpose. Co-regulate through movement, pressure, connection.
- Be consistent. Every time the boundary is crossed, respond the same way. (Remember the pool!)
- Repair and reconnect. After the storm has passed, don’t over-explain. Just reconnect. That’s the real stress buffer.
And if you’re ready for support applying all this to your child, you know where to find me.
Because you don’t need more rules.
You need a regulation plan that actually works.
