You can watch the video version of this post on my Facebook page.
If you’re a part of my Facebook group (or even if you aren’t), you’ve probably heard me refer to the term “extinction bursts”. Usually at the end of a post in a warning tone. This is a term that I use a lot when describing a child’s behaviour that “is just getting worse” in response to an intervention/change in parenting tactic. It’s a complaint I hear over and over again: “I tried what you suggested, and he/she just screamed louder/ hit harder/ bit/ freaked out/ enter terrifying child behaviour here…until I did what I always do and it stopped.”
Enter Extinction Bursts
Extinction Bursts occur when an individual uses a social behaviour to either get their way or get the desired reaction from someone. When someone isn’t getting the reaction they want or expect- they up the ante. They escalate the behaviour in severity in an attempt to get the reaction they anticipated. This is one of those concepts that once you understand it- everything changes.
First- let’s talk Extinction
Extinction is what happens when a behaviour that was previously reinforced (intentionally or not) is no longer reinforced. This is why being consistent in our parenting is absolutely vital to everyone’s sanity: when we inconsistently reward undesired behaviour, there’s a lot more extinction going on.
The burst refers to when someone ups the ante to new highs. Your child will perform more of the behaviour you are trying to get rid of. They continue to escalate the behaviour searching for that old reliable reaction. This is often why parents will report that the crying on the second night of sleep training is worse than the first. Or that their toddler is throwing all their food on the floor without even trying a bite when you don’t offer an alternative. Or your preschooler starts tearing apart their room after you put your foot down and limit them to one glass of water at bedtime. All extinction bursts.
Think of it like a balloon: When they don’t get the reaction they’re expecting, they go bigger, badder, stronger…in essence, filling the balloon with their attempts to return to the status quo. If you give them what they want, the balloon deflates. If you don’t give in, and they keep filling their behaviour balloon- eventually it POPs. And then it is quite literally over. There’s no more balloon to fill. And as a general rule: it doesn’t occur again.
If every time your child hits their baby brother, you say “That’s it! We don’t hit! Go to the corner for a timeout!”…and then you stand over her explaining to her that hitting hurts, babies get hurt easily, we have to be gentle with the baby…on and on and on until her time out is finished- she’s going to have a strong expectation for that reaction.
Now say you decide to move away from timeouts and into natural and logical consequences and planned ignoring. So the next time she hits her baby brother you rush to the baby, pick him up and say “Oh no, did your sister hit you? Are you okay? That must have really hurt! Here would you like some milk?” and walk away from her…she’s going to pitch a fit. Why? Because you’ve just reacted in the total opposite fashion to what she’s expected. She was supposed to get the attention. She may scream. She may come and try and hit you or the baby. She may start trying to destroy objects or hurt herself. The motivation on this is pretty clear: hitting the baby got her attention. And she isn’t getting any. So how far does she have to go before you give her that attention? This is their Oscar meltdown, their Hail Mary, their Brittany Spears head shave.
Depending on how tenacious your child is and how long the history of this behaviour is- they will either escalate very quickly or give up quickly. The longer this reaction has been expected, the worse the burst is going to be. If you’ve reinforced this behaviour once or twice and then change course the burst will be relatively small.
So how do you react to these?
You’ve got two choices here:
1 Stick to your guns, continue with the Logical Consequence Process and Planned Ignoring and ride this thing out so that you can move on.
2 Give in, go back to doing what you’ve always done and continue experiencing this behaviour that’s driving you to drink.
(Believe me, you want to take route 1.)
Something to keep in mind is that if you give in before the behaviour has burst, that is now your new baseline. So if you’re an hour into an epic extinction burst and thinking “I can’t take this anymore!” …remember: this is where they’ll START if you try and break this habit again. My husband is a soldier so I often make a comparison to trench warfare: once they dig a trench, they stay there.
Have questions about Extinction Bursts? Pop them in the comments! Let me know what you’re currently struggling with, or come join us in the Parenting Posse.
Durand, V. M. (1990) Severe Behavior Problems: a Functional Communication Training Approach. New York, Guilford
O’Neill, R.E., Horner, R.H., Albin, R.W., Sprauge, J.R., Storey, K., & Newton, J.S (1997) Functional Assessment and Program Development for Problem Behaviour: a Practical Handbook (2nd Ed.) Pacific Grove, CA: Brooks/Cole.